Takeaway #1: Don’t critize, condemn, or complain
World famous psychologist B.F. Skinner proved that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much faster and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.
Since then, further studies have shown that this same principle applies to humans as well: Criticizing others doesn’t yield anything positive.
We aren’t able to make real changes by criticizing people, and we’re instead often met with resentment. It’s important to remember that when dealing with people, we’re dealing not with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, who are motivated by pride and ego.
Takeaway #2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
The only way we can get a person to do anything is by giving them what they want. What do most people want? Health, food, sleep, money, sex. Most of these wants are usually gratified, but there is one longing, almost as deep and ingrained as the desire for food or sleep, that is seldom gratified:Â the desire to be important.
Takeaway #3: Arouse in the other person an eager want
Perhaps your favorite dessert is strawberry cheesecake. Excellent choice! Now, if you were to go fishing, would you bait your hook with cheesecake? Of course not -- that’s what you like, but fish prefer worms.
Lloyd George, Great Britain’s Prime Minister during World War I, who stayed in power long after the other wartime leaders had been forgotten, was asked how he managed to remain on top. His response: He had learned that it is necessary to “bait the hook to suit the fish.”
In other words, give people what they want, not what you want.
Takeaway #4: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?
Not to mention, nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.
According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.
Takeaway #5: Show respect to other people’s opinions
Along similar lines of not engaging in arguments, we should also avoid telling someone that they’re plain wrong. If we begin by announcing that we’re going to prove something to someone, we’re essentially telling them that we are smarter than they are and we’re going to teach them a thing or two.
This comes off as a challenge. It arouses opposition and incites in the other person a desire to battle with us.
